Low Down and Crazy

It’s a bad one. I’m having one of those curl-up-in-a-ball-on-the-floor-and-stop-answering-the-phone weeks.

With my hub working and in school, I spend a lot of time alone in the studio. This wouldn’t be such a problem if I was actually able to paint right now. I worked on several pieces last week — though it was like pulling teeth. This week is worse.

And the very worst part? Nothing is physically wrong.

Even drawing is giving me trouble. More so cooking or caring for myself. Everything I try to do, my brain starts yammering in with the negatives: you can’t do this, you’re going to fail, you’re useless… then the second round: you’re stupid, you’re ugly, you don’t deserve to live… I get flashes of awful images, of terrible futures my screwed-up brain hints might be mine. ‘Cuz it’s forever, baby. Unwanted speculations about what I’ll do when I hit those dead ends. And I’m suddenly paralyzed.

Knowing it’s a chemical imbalance doesn’t make much goddamned difference.

See, that’s how depression works. Not only does it screw with your mood, it entirely changes your thinking, stretches or compresses time, erases or distorts memory. And knowing this is very little help. Especially when it reaches this point, where the noise in my skull makes me want to start beating my head against things.

My Pdoc has already increased one of my meds, but it will be a while before it has any effect. God, I can’t just flop and whine be useless like this for another week. I’ve got an appointment with her tomorrow to see what she wants to try in the way of crisis management. If I concentrate, I should be able to drive myself there.

What happened to the woman I was a few years ago? I went through low patches, yes, but I wasn’t as desperate as often as I am these days. I took my meds, watched my triggers, and managed things. Now I never know when control of my illness will just slide through my fingers.

So what now… when all I can see looking forward is too dark to even share with those around me?

Just hanging on.

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  1. risinghawk

     /  August 28, 2014

    Been there for sure . . . was there a bit today even. All one can do is hang on. No, I’m not on the outside looking in – I suffer from depression along with a host of other fun stuff that pops up out of nowhere, (all wrapped up in disabling PTSD). By that I mean I fee your pain. Being alone certainly doesn’t help. If you can force yourself through the fog, go be with someone if for only a few hours. Yes, hang in there no matter how it feels. It will pass. I wish you peace and comfort.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. risinghawk

     /  August 28, 2014

    You have me concerned. Are you still hanging in there? You will make it, the clouds will pass. Trust in the better day that is coming.


    • Thanks for the supportive thoughts. I’m still hanging in. I know I’m fortunate to have support in my husband, and we’ll spend the long weekend together. Hopefully the new med dose will kick in soon.


      • risinghawk

         /  August 29, 2014

        So glad to hear back from you 🙂 I was a bit concerned. Keep the faith . . . I will send you all the positive energy that I can muster. Peace . . .

        Liked by 1 person

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