Brain-Cage 2 (of 3)

(spoiler: darkness ahead, reader discretion advised.  
For Brain-Cage 1, click here.)

2.
all I know is it hurts
in all the deep places
hurts to dress, hurts to shower
to tighten laces
hurts to look in the mirror
without hurting myself
it hurts to answer the goddamn phone
brain broken, in pieces
shards of bone
and the pills that
help keep me the hell alive
just make me ravenous
cavernous
greedy beast, all the time
they just make me empty
make me hate myself. I

can only imagine how
it would be without them…
thinner maybe, but fatally sunk
no lifeline to climb
no sign of the shore
I’ve been on pills so long
I don’t know me anymore
I only have their word
on the dangers of desistance
statistical insistance
how fatal my fortune, but
don’t dwell on it, sweet-cheeks:
self-fulfilling prophecies and all that

I never wanted my actual life
to depend on meds
counting them out like soldiers
dreaming instead
of taking them all at once;
I never wanted to depend
but then I never thought I’d live this long

by peace I never meant
to be so alone
now I’m alone all day
useless
neurotic basket-case
bad wiring in your brain-case
stupid useless stupid stupid
stupid, just
broken

 

(Click here for Brain-Cage 3)

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