Brain-Cage 3 (of 3)

(spoiler: darkness ahead, reader discretion advised.  
For Brain-Cage 2, click here. )

3.
I do though, I do try
to go out sometimes but
people just minding their own business
start screaming in my head
or claw at my eyes instead
or jump out of nowhere
one person is a whole crowd
their living is so fucking loud
I think my ears are starting to bleed
I think I need to bleed myself
to let off pressure
I think I need
to go foetal
but

for all this distortion
the only other option I can think of
is hiding out at home, hiding
from the rage, hiding
in this brain-cage;
I turn away from windows,
and bleed out on the page
and screen-stare till my eyes sear
eat myself in,
stifling
sobbing
drowned in the din
of my own toxic voice
hating. every. choice.
I never wanted to spend my life
crying all day

so I do go out,
but in controlled bits
in starts and fits
scripted, clocked and cloaked
so they’re all unaware
there’s a trick to it
thick makeup mask
no sign of despair
all my scars hidden
all my wounds under wraps
my self-disgust under wraps
my ears still bleeding
behind my hair,
but better goddamn make it look effortless

nobody gets it
unless the mask slips
even I’m not sure what I really look like
and now
so much time has gone by
since this storm rose beneath me
I start to fear I can’t
pull it off any more
won’t be me under there
just a void …
so God I hope I can keep
pulling off the trick
long enough
to pass

 

(c) 2016 by Rosetti C / Translunary Things

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